Heartbreak - don't let it happen... from admin's blog

Heartbreak. We risk it whenever we offer our love.


So why do things go wrong when we so want them to go right?

 

The main problems come from within oneself. That’s sometimes hard to accept, but once you do accept it, it gives you more control. Feeling helpless and at the mercy of someone else is just one of the awful aspects of breaking up.

 

Try to step back and assess your actions from someone else’s stand point. Ask yourself questions. Was this the right person for me? Seriously answer that question. Lonely people are vulnerable, sometimes we find someone and pour all of our love, devotion, kindness, warmth onto to the object of our love. And I mean object, rather than person.

 

A close friend, Frieda (not her real name) fell for an amazing guy. He was good-looking athletic, fun, clever. In her eyes he was perfect and she would and did do anything for him. At first he adored her, but over time he treated her more and more badly. He wasn’t a bad guy but he felt let down by her. Frieda was a strong, attractive, feisty woman and that’s who he fell in love with. He wasn’t looking for a doormat, ever ready to slavishly do anything, accept any treatment, beg if necessary. In the end, he didn’t respect her. Why would any man want that and if he does, believe me, you really don’t want to be with him.

 

Was there any chance for Frieda to save her relationship? Maybe, if she could stop her doormat behaviour and just be herself again. She needed to get angry, not with him but with herself. Then she needed to break away for a while and allow the relationship to reset to a different balance. A real relationship – where they were 2 individuals, both with needs, both with desires, both with a say in what they each wanted. Not master and slave.


So Frieda  broke with him – they had already broken up a few times – but rather than run begging to him again, she actually got her control back and stayed away. He didn’t contact her, which she hoped would happen after a couple of weeks apart. Previously she had contacted him after a few days, but this time she didn’t, so the old pattern was broken. She waited another week and was becoming terribly depressed. Checking her phone obsessively and driving by places she knew he went. It was tortuous psychologically, her whole being was focused on this man, it was all she talked about, she wasn’t sleeping. She put herself through hell. And all this for a guy who had no respect for her.

She was close to cracking. I am a very sympathetic friend but told her not to be so damn stupid. Harsh words, but it was enough to stop her from running after him again.


She was slowly beginning to accept that her tactic was not going to work. That they really were split up for good and it was over. Her behaviour became more erratic. Bouncing from solitary depression to hitting the party scene too hard. One morning at the cafe, nursing a  hangover she brushed against a guy and knocked his coffee out of his hand. She apologised, a bit blurry eyed she then forgot him. But he was entranced. He wanted to buy her coffee. She said no. He asked her name, she told him she wasn’t interested. Next time he saw her, he said hi, offered his name, wanted her number. It took him a week to get her to talk to him.

This time she did everything right. She let him chase, she was distant at first, she was herself, well a bit grumpier than her usual self. She was still focused on her ex, so this new guy had a lot of running to get her to notice him.

Another week went by and Frieda began to realise Mark, her new admirer, was actually quite nice, even attractive. And he treated her well.


Rather than return to her old pattern of behaviour, she held back. She treated him like a man, not an idol. It worked. She saw it working and became confident, funny, her real self and Mark adored her.

Then her ex called. He’d finally figured that maybe she wasn’t going to come running this time. He said he loved her. He wanted her back – he wanted the real Frieda back, not the slave. He was an intelligent guy, he had reflected and could see the problems Frieda had brought to the relationship and where he had gone wrong in allowing it to happen. He wanted to overcome their problems and make it work.


Now Frieda had 2 guys in love with her, all because she’d learned the importance of not over-giving herself. This is such an important lesson to learn because many of us do it. Whatever the cause of it, loneliness, lack of confidence, fear, desperation, whatever. It is damaging and hinders the very outcome we long for.

Frieda chose  Mark. She didn’t find it hard to choose. There were bad memories with her ex. She had behaved poorly and he had let her. He accepted her when she came back grovelling and begging. He had no respect for her because of her behaviour, but he had allowed it to happen. That was a bit too much like enjoying his position of mastery.


He was devastated when Frieda turned him down. So much so that he moved town and jobs because he couldn’t bear it. I heard that after a year or so he had found someone new, but that relationship was becoming like the one he’d had with Frieda. He too needs to recognise his own poor patterns of behaviour.

Reflection and looking at yourself as you would someone else, can help you figure out where you are causing problems for yourself. If you are the problem then you are the solution. Try to remember that.

 

My experience in life has been a rocky road. Divorced, married, widowed, remarried. I tend to be long-term and so have had few relationships, but all of them intense. I have had huge amounts of experience as a shoulder to cry on though. I’ve seen so many friends enter into and fallen out of relationships and tried to help where I could. This was just one example of where things went wrong and why.


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